She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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