i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
