They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
