My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
