i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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