I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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