We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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