I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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