You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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