ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
