Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
