dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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