Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
