at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
