Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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