Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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