She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
