how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
