I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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