I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
