My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
