i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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