She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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