I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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