I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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