Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
