remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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