I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
