He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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