There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
