The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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