her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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