are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
