I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
