dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
