Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
