I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
