can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
