fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This toilet bowl is my home.
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