Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize