I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
