I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
