if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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