my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
