if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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