Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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