I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
