i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
