Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
