That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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