I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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