my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
