He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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