I faked an abortion last night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
