No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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