Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
